Aster Phoenix: Adventures of a Jason Todd Wannabe
by Michelle H. C. Zhu
Summary: Following CP:RoaSEG is Aster Phoenix who feels obliged to routinely insert 'destiny' and 'dude' in his sentences lest he foams at the mouth. [Dub-verse]


**Entry One— **

Right. Well. The folks at Duel Academy sure know how to get into trouble. I mean, Society of Light, Bio-Bands, Duel Ghouls—that's some crazy stuff, dude. From eavesdropping on Jaden's gang, I've managed to piece together that everyone's back from the alternate dimension except for one Jesse Anderson. He stayed back to finish off this Duel spirit named Yubel who was touched by the same cosmos as my Destiny Heroes and Jaden's Neo Spacians. Now the boy in question is all racked up and depressed because his best friend is gone. What sad atmosphere.

I swear, am I the only one who is hearing Linkin Park music in the backdrop?

**Entry Two— **

"_And so, two satellites where sent into space, one with Yubel and other Neos_…_"_

…then Sheppard fags up the place with serious adult angst. In which I make my exit.

**Entry Three— **

And as I valiantly attempt to leave, Zane pokes his ugly head into the vicinity.

_"Tell me, you wouldn't happen to have any interest in that Yubel card, would you now_…_ Aster?"_

I usually don't go for girls that ravage the universe with their insanity. Not my type. Sorry, Zaney.

_"I see. And here I'm thinking those rumors of you being gay were false_…"

Zane, you have a crotch and I have a foot that can be shoved up that crotch. Don't push me.

_"You don't have the guts to do that." _

My foot does.

**Entry Four— **

_"Argh_—_"_

Now what?

**Entry Five— **

Zane, uh, don't get the wrong impression that I actually care about you—because I _don't_— I really don't, and, uh, not for nothing, but is your heart alright? I mean… you're clutching your heart like it's about to implode in your chest. Not to mention you're wearing an expression on your face that suggests you're constipated.

Because if it's going to implode, please stay away from me the next time you feel a tightening in your ribcage. Go stand next to that tree.

**Entry Six—**

Oh wait, that's Crowler.

…

Well, no biggie.

**Entry Seven—**

Death stare of ill-omened vagueness.

Then!:

_"Nothing. _…_I'm fine."_

Really! Couldn't he have just said that first and then glared at me? Could have saved me two minutes of my life...

**Entry Eight— **

I have to find out what in the world is going on with Truesdale's health condition otherwise I'm going to be awake all night trying to figure out what's making Zane's heart do the humppa. Not that I _care_ or anything—but I mean, I'm bored and, hey—maybe I can rack up some insult ammo by learning a thing or two about him.

(Plus, I still have to get him back for selling that manipped photo of me being violated by Pegasus like a girly man to the tabloids.)

Right. So where do I start?

"_STOP LEAVING ME BEHIND, JAY!_ _I'M AS IMPORTANT AS THE REST OF CAST! I'LL HELP MOVE THE PLOT ALONG, I PROMISE!" _

Hallelujah, I have a lead. And it's Syrus.

Oh goody.

**Entry Nine— **

Hey Syrus, slow down little buddy! Come over here, c'mon! I wanna ask you something.

"_ASTER—I mean, Aster! What are you doing here_? _Listen I have to catch up with Jaden_—"

Huh? You mean he isn't in his room teabagging his own pillowcase to burden the fact it's his fault that Jesse disappeared?

_"DON'TSAYTHAT! It's not Jaden's fault! It's not! If he keeps blaming himself like this, there will be razors and IV drip stands! And 4kids doesn't have the technology to EDIT that kind of stuff!"_

… what?

Wait, I don't want to know—ok, ok, chill, dude… you're talking nonsense.

Look, I just want to know if you've seen your brother recently? He's been acting awfully strange and I was wondering if you knew anything about it.

_"What? Who? Oh, Zane—Zane has an evil heart-shaped slug inside of him that will throw him into the Shadow Realm! Now, anyway—" _

Whiskey, tango—…

No. I will resist such words. Syrus must not be in the right mind.

**Entry Ten— **

Ahem. Ah, listen, Syrus, if you would just calm down, you could tell me what you **really** mean—

"_I told Jay_ _that Viper was bad news! I told him not to go into his hideout! But nooo, everyone listens to Jim because he's PRETTY! Well I can be pretty too if I had cosmetic surgery!" _

Dude. You just exceeded your stupid comment limit.

"_Where the heck did Blair get those progesterone pills? Why does Crowler have a chicken on his head? Oh my god there goes the fourth wall_! _COME BACK HERE JAYYY! COME BACKKKKKKKK!_"

…

Whiskey.

Tango.

Foxtrot.

**Entry Eleven— **

That was military for "WTF", by the way.

**Entry Twelve— **

In addition, I am officially led to believe the entire Truesdale family is on serious Wowee sauce. And speak of the devil, there's Mr. Constipation, rounding the corner and ready to get all wow-wow-wee-wow with his heart.

I better make a quick getaway. Get me my suit, Alfred.

Destinymobile… away!

**Entry Thirteen— **

But seriously, why does Crowler have a chicken on his head?

I should file a complaint to the maintenance center on this island. Get a sanity check on all Duel Academy staff to ensure a safe, friendly environment for the students. Better expand that range to new applicants too.

**Entry Fourteen— **

"_Why what a pleasant surprise, Aster-boy_…"

Ohgodohgodohgod—

DO NOT WANT.

**Entry Fifteen— **

_"Kaiba-boy wanted me to alert you of an important phone-call from one of the residents in his private hospital."_

_"Oh really? Thanks, Mr. Pegasus."_

_"Anytime."_

I AM SAVED.

While we're on this subject, if Pegasus is Kaiba's archrival, where on Earth does Kaiba get the licensing to make EVERYTHING HE OWNS Blue-Eyes White Dragon shaped?

**Entry Sixteen— **

_ZA WARUDO_.

…oh, you mean Arcana Force XXI – The World.

I apologize, Sartorius. How do you do? And how do you do?

**Entry Seventeen— **

"_Hello, Aster. I'm calling from Kaibacorp's private hospital to see how you're doing_."

Peachy. And you?

_"I'm afraid I bring you terrible news, my friend. My cards predict that everyone is in dire danger."_

I foresee how this will turn out—Yu-Gi-Oh! GX Episode 132: Rocks fall, everyone dies.

Wait a minute… now I'm taking lines from Syrus!

**Entry Eighteen—**

After listening to this talk of a creature named Yubel from inside the Slifer dorms, and doing some research on the interweb, I can't help but wonder if this Yubel is a guy or girl? Because I downloaded a picture of the card and the outline around her bust is very faint. But then again, she has a curvy figure…

_"Does it have a penis?"_

It's probably covered by that black spandex jumpsuit, Zane. What brings you here?

"_Does Jaden have a penis?"_

Uh, yes. Quit ignoring my question: What do you want?

_"Do you have a penis?" _

…when did you become Sai from Naruto?

**Entry Nineteen—**

Zane, just because you don't have the urge to gut me with a butcher knife does not mean that we're going to hold hands and sing kumbaya.

**Entry Twenty—**

WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING BEHIND ME? GO AWAY. GO STEP ON PUPPIES OR RAPE SOMEBODY OR SOMETHING.

_"You seem to have me confused for David Berkowitz."_

Note the 'Or something'.

"_Which is why I said Berkowitz rather than John Wayne Gacy Jr_."

…how the hell do you have a fan club with that kind of social attitude, Zane?

**Entry Twenty-One— **

Scratch that.

Hormone-induced female teenagers need no logic when 99.9 percent of their religion appears to be 'thou shalt worship idols with leather bound shirts that art spray painted to thou idol's chest'.

Gods. Why aren't you working at a brothel?

**Entry Twenty-Two— **

And then the Lord said, "**LET THERE BE FRIENDSHIP**!"

**Entry Twenty-Three— **

What's with that weird flashing multi-colored light? What are Jaden and the others trying to do?

_"They're opening the rift in space and time to drag everyone into Yubel's stomach to feed her belly."_

…you have serious problems, you know that?

**Entry Twenty-Four— **

Axel is goddamn black ninja.

**Entry Twenty-Five— **

Shit, I can't say black. I'll get censored.

**Entry Twenty-Six— **

_"Elemental Hero Neos!"_

_"XYZ Dragon Cannon!"_

_"Cyber Angel Benten!"_

_"Super Conductor Tyranno!"_

_"Go Fossil Warrior Skullking!"_

_"Volcanic Doomfire!"_

Hmm. Needs more Ejipshun lazoor beems.


End file.
